I've prepared myself for this day for the past week....cried myself to sleep for a few nights....and tried to block it out of my mind at other times. Eli and I are home from taking Jalen (my first baby) to the airport. Daddy's at worship practice now. This is Jalen's Senior year, such an important year. My desire is that this year is all he hopes it will be in Nevada. I hope he has the BEST Senior year he could possibly have! As hard as it is to see him go, part of me feels that Lowry High is the best school for him to be at this year. He can play Baseball (unlike Washington) because they have a funky zoning rule that doesn't allow him to play if he wasn't at the same school the year prior. He said "Mom, I have many childhood friends in Nevada. It's hard to choose my close friends here in WA over my childhood friends in NV." He also told me last week, "I want to graduate from the same school you and my dad did." Awe.
Our recent sermon at Island Church was about parental paradoxes. Jalen also said "Mom, I feel like I have more paradoxes to overcome there." What 17 year old says that? He has always been a deep spiritual child. He decided to face this head on instead of avoiding it. He's an inspiration and helps me look at life more courageous.
This feeling a mother has when one of her babies is gone is a void, a void that isn't filled until they return. My heart goes out to my Mom and my dear friend Hayat and anyone else who's lost a child. I guess that void would never ever be filled. I couldn't imagine. I miss my JMan more now than ever. This isn't just a good bye for me....it’s remembering being a teenager and not listening to everyone around me when they said to abort my baby...including my Doctor. I was begged to abort Jalen. It's hard to even type those words. I could NEVER imagine taking his life before he even had a chance.
This isn't just a goodbye for me. This is remembering those sweet moments in Jalen's first three months of life, when it was just he and I. I lived at my Mom’s and had a bassinet next to my bed, but I kept Jalen on my chest at night. That’s where he slept the first three months of his life. I had been gifted a cd (Sweet Sounds In Jesus) by my best friend Amanda’s Mom. I would fall asleep with tears in my eyes because Jalen’s Dad wasn’t in the picture at that time. This isn’t just a goodbye for me.
This is my little baseball player with the red cleets who blew all his coaches away in little league. This is all of the little league games that I spent cheering for him, alone. We didn't have any family in Reno and I was a single Mom for 9 years. I'll never forget the time Jalen hit his first (in the park) home run! It bounced just before the outfield fence. He ran to 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and as all of us in the stands cheered, he rounded 3rd and made it home! I was SO excited I actually jumped over Mom's heads on the two bleachers below me while cheering! I cried and called my Dad in Washington, just to have someone to share that special moment with, even if it was on the phone. This isn't just goodbye, this is my baby who contracted two diseases from the negligence of the Suquamish Tribe five years ago and has fought and prayed his way back to health. This isn't just goodbye, this is the sweet teenager who had one person in the world to choose who to gift his first drum he ever made to....he chose Mom. This isn't just goodbye, it's Jalen's Senior year.....Senior year! I just can't believe it....already. The time FLEW by.
I've been battling emotions and thoughts running through my head lately. I keep thinking "I lost a year" "I'm missing his Senior year" "I'm not done being his Mommy yet" and "this is the last year he'd be a child in school....in my home....and he's leaving early." This isn't just goodbye, this is realizing that it's not about me. It's about what's best for Jalen. He is the one who's had to have Mom and Dad under two different roofs since he was five years old. He is the one who always has to choose. His heart is in Washington and his heart is in Nevada. All I can do is continue to pray that God comforts our hearts and protects my JMan while he's away from me. No one knows me like Jalen and no one knows Jalen like I do. We have always been close because I had him so young. I was up until 1:30 this morning and finally fell asleep after a hot shower and a prayer. A Mother's Prayer of protection from head to toe for my Jalen. Once I completely put him back in God's hands, let Go and let God.....I could sleep. I'm grateful that God has allowed me to see how fast our children grow with Jalen. I savor every minute with Eli because I know before we know it, it'll be his Senior year too. I have a good feeling Jalen will have an amazing Senior year. I'll keep praying for him to find a good church and youth group there. It's SO important for him to have that positive support group and a place he can grow in his walk. Thank you to our prayer warriors and family for lifting our family up in prayer this week. It means so much to have your support! It's healing to write, thanks for listening. Lots of love. Goodnight.
Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the LORD
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